i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
