Someone shit on the floor
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
