if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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