good thing vaginas are great cup holders
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
