i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
