FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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