At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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