You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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