Already got asked if we're dating
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
