Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
