fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
