Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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