But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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