a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
