Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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