Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i've created a new STD.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
