hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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