You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
should my penis look like a turkey
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's even glitter on my cock...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
