im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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