my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
