woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just high enough for therapy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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