Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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