just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
