i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
