well I can't set my house on fire every night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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