I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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