piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize