It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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