i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
