My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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