Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
