I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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