Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
