Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
