just tell him i said nine months
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
They have beer where we have blood.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
