I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
