Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
