Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
