He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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