time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
