I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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