five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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