Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
