You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
