She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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