saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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