walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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