i really wish james franco would like my vagina
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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