so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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