i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
