she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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