the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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