batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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