i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize