I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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