I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
