i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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