does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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