the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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