I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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