you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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